Allow me to crack even

No posts in just under two months. This isn’t because I’m dead, or I’ve given up writing, infact, I enjoy writing, and occasionally maths! (Except circle theorem.) No, it has simply been due to my sheer apathy and laziness. I don’t want a career in journalism, writing, or anything near that area of expertise, and so this made me have no drive or push to write. However, I want to keep writing simply for the few people who do read this, and intense rivalry (And unfortunately not a friendly kind) for a particular someone, despite the odds being low that he/she/it reads this. But that guy knows who he is.

So allow me to update you on what interesting bits i’ve been doing.

Nothing. I got back into Mass Effect, then back out of it, bought and begun Fallout 3, bought Deus Ex, haven’t started it yet, completed Plants vs Zombies, getting killing floor relatively soon, and an xbox 360, just to play with a few mates casually and the exclusives which us PC Aryans can’t get, like RE5 and Gears of War 2. And of course, Guitar Hero.

That’s what i’ve been up to. I’m considering moving to Blogspot or a different blogging thing, as wordpress is somewhat crap and fails to upload any of my pictures, therefore making each post a chore to read. Honestly, it’s worse then my cooking. (Everything I cook goes wrong somehow. I misinterpretted a chocolate cake recipe once and accidentally added 3 tablespoons of baking soda as opposed to 3 tea spoons. The cake didn’t even cook and I left it in the garden for some pigeons.)

I have twitter if you’re slightly interested in my shorter ramblings and spoutings of stuff, and I update that more regularly because it’s not boring to use like WordPress. My final words before I go and do something or the other, is that If this blog goes down, I’ll atleast have the dignity to post.  I wish I had a picture to put in this post BUT IT WON’T FREAKIN’ UPLOAD D:

Scary Games aren’t scary.

Two games I’ve played recently, Bioshock and Dead Space. Neither have scared me. A couple have startled me, when let’s say a necromorph or splicer leapt up at me when it looked dead, but not scared me. According to Wiktionary, the fancy man’s dictionary, the definition of frighten is: To disturb with fear; to throw into a state of alarm or fright; to affright; to terrify.

They’ve startled me, in a brief installment of fear, but not frighten me, in a continued state. Maybe I’m just too dead inside to be frightened, or maybe I’m not absorbed into the game enough. Probably the latter. Because when I played Bioshock, or play Dead Space, especially Dead Space as it’s third person, I don’t feel like i’m there in the game, I feel tuned out, because I’m looking over someone’s shoulder commanding him. If my character is low on health, i’m not worried because I know I can just load if I die.

Bioshock as a first person, is slightly different, but in general it wasn’t frightening. It was definitely confusing though, when Andrew Ryan [Warning: MASSIVE, GARGANTUAN SPOILERS FOR BIOSHOCK] makes you kill him, honestly, what’s the point and why? The script was good too, but not scary, because I knew had I the superhuman powers to melt everyone in my path and enough placcids to turn a goat into some biochemical super mutant. [/END OF SPOILERS.]

I now must describe a typical scene is bioshock, as Imageshack won’t let me upload pictures.

Dead Big Daddy. 7 Medkits, 7 Plasmid syringes left.  Enough ammo to take on the Kremlin. $300. Easy, easy stuff. Especially once you get the chemical thrower, and some electric gel, Big Daddies are as easier then having mutually consented sex with a bagel.

Dead Space at the moment, I’m on chapter 5,  just starting, so the best bits are to come apparently. There have been some brilliantly atmospheric bits so far, setting the scene. The scene in Chapter 2 where you slowly go down stairs, hearing a dulled repeated knocking sound, expecting a necromorph to leap up and start slashing your face into a bloody pool on the floor, is flawlessly done. When you finally turn that corner to see what’s causing the knocking sound, is a scene I won’t forget because of how well it was done.

However one thing I have noticed I’ve been doing in dead space is to constantly hold down the scopes whenever I turn a corner, just incase. That doesn’t constitute fear does it?

That was quick

Yup, very shortly after the severe blunder of the scout update, here comes the first sniper update. Yet another fucking consumable. Sort of.

But will this update make him any more effective against a spy? I hope not because that would suck. In place of his Kukri, he should get a little piece of metal, like all snipers get, to shine into people’s eyes and blind them. Or some sort of decoy, like a paper cut out of a sniper. It makes more sense then the sniper decoy spray.

I ordered Dead Space, as it’s now at a sweet and harmonious price of £12, lets hope it bloody arrives this time. Might get Men of War, and Might get Empire: Total War, seeing as I don’t have a good RTS excluding World in Conflict, and I doubt i’ll get the expansion for that.

I played a buttload of Guitar Hero: World Tour over the weekend, possibly far, FAR too much, but it was worth it. And I feel like I didn’t play enough. That was fun. So all in all, maybe for the next update, we’ll get our new gamemode we were promised, and we’ll get our “meet the” video.

But more then anything else, I’m hoping we don’t get a crap class pack, which fucks up the whole game. Again.

EDIT: Oh bollocks. That could have been an april fool’s joke. Well it’s the second today, so it doesn’t count.

More on the scout…

Before I’m back to the monotony of non-gaming news. Where’s our “meet the” video and new gamemode we were promised? Anyway, I disliked all the acheivments, the one where you have to double jump 1000 times for example. Why not just be honest and say “Hit spacebar 2000 times”?

So I did get all the achievments, but I’m most proud of the fact  I got the tauntkill one, on 2fort, not planned at all. However, allowing the consumer to do a vote on which item comes out first was stupid, it meant you had to do a pile of annoying grindy acheivments to unlock the weapons, which make up 70% of the rest of the acheivments.

Still, it beats those cockwhores who chose to use an unlocker.

Big mistake Valve.

“Spies can now control which weapon the enemy team sees them holding. Hitting the “last disguise” key while disguised updates the disguise to show the Spy’s currently held weapon.” In the patch.

It’s a simple move, but just…no…

Now it’s too easy to be a spy. Also, most of these achievments are too difficult to get in general. But i’ll comment on them more later.

When was the last time I posted properly about Video Games?

PC games have been starved of oxygen on my PC gaming blog.

This ends here. For today atleast anyway. TF2 Update! Everyone’s posting about it, but seeing as my favourite character who happens to be in my banner is getting an update bound to ruin him, just like everyone else, I thought i’d post on him. Weirdly enough, he’s my favourite class, but my 4th most played as class. Later on I’ll take a picture of my stats. However…. This is the first change they have planned, and I thank valve for making it so easy to save image as.

Well, interesting weapon were my first words.

My second words are: OH NO, IS THIS THE END OF BOINKING?

It going to change the way the scout plays as. When I use the scouts melee weapon, it tends to be on dozy snipers because to be honest, if i’m close enough to kill with a melee weapon, I stick with the scattergun as it does more damage closeup. This is going to inspire some interesting hit and run tactics, in particular for the CTF game modes. I’ll test this one out on 2fort. Hopefully this is going to work like Sasha/Natascha, as alternatives to how you want to play, not like the Syringegun/Blutsauger. Not many people stick with the Syringegun.

If the scout wields this new bat (the Sandman) he loses his double jump ability. That makes it fair, not like when the Backburner came out. If I get stunned, it does sound annoying, but probably about as annoying as when you get hit by Natascha, or air blasted back. And hopefully people who play as scouts will enjoy double jumping (like I do) not just sit on the sniper battlements of 2fort, hurling thier tender white balls at the enemy snipers.

Sexual Innuendo implied.

And perhaps pyros can airblast the balls back? If you can spam balls though…..hruurrrr….  Anyway, Valve also slightly changed the ways critical hits work. Now they claim they’re more “skill based” not pot luck. Which is good because I hate having a heavy on heavy war, and only losing because he gets a nice roll of crits.

Still, they didn’t take my idea of a plank with a rusty nail in . You would hit someone with the plank, and they’d get tetanus, and bleed a trail of blood for effect, but also slowly drains thier health as if they’re on fire. And it can vary from tetanus, to rabies, to Diptheria. Boink!

You can see the other forthcoming updates (on the TF2 site) until next Tuesday, where the pack is released for this planet.

Mirrors Edge on the Xbox

Instead of spending money on Mirror’s Edge (Which I wouldn’t have bought anyway, (because it doesn’t have pointless, gratuitious violence around every corner) I happened to play it on the Xbox 360, at a friends house! Let me sum up the game, for those who don’t have time to read on.

LB, RB, LB.

That’s all you need to know for how to play. Literally, everything you do involves that tapping order, and it’s not even an exagguration. Really, LB is jump, and the game is just jumping off everything. And although it is pretty to see yourself running across a city, its too fiddly and precise, and if you miss you’ll just plummet horrifically to your doom, to the dark brooding streets on this monstropolis/utopia.  Infact, that city is a beautiful place! It’s so modern and clean, and there’s no crime because it clearly has the most effective and brutal secret police in the world! Infact, it’s so modern, they even paint the trees white.  

Your character is a free-runner, in a city where running is bad and therefore running is a prosecutable offense and so if you run anywhere people with shotguns will try to kill you, despite them having the crappiest weapons and worst trained police in the history of any city. Really, a massive, super guard, A cross between the hulk and a combine soldier and be easily disarmed by a girl who can run from here to Africa and not get tired.

I don’t know the rest of the storyline, only because I just played random supposedly good missions, which still were pretty dire.

Graphics are pretty, but the running bits are bluntly cut out when you have to find out where and how to run. Just because you see a red pole, doesn’t mean pressing LB RB LB will work on it. You need intricate timing. 

So overall, I give this game a 2.7/10. Perhaps I’m being too harsh, perhaps not.

News just in: My internet is broke.

For some reason I posted my article twice because the internet is broke. I’ve just removed that, and so now i’ll comment on GTA IV. Apologies.

GTA IV is great and all, but the script just sucks. I was going to save my fat bumbling cousin from yet another Russian kidnapping, when I charge in with my assortment of guns. It starts off stealthily..until I kill the first guy. I simply pop my head up from behind cover to blow his face off. Everyone else starts shooting me and in that cliche way, they position themselves next to explosives.

Seeing as explosives only go off if you shoot them with an rpg, I took out a few with a sniper rifle diving under cover, then blew up the explosives. This goes on until I climb a few more floors, but what I don’t get is that why stealth is ruined because you decide to start screaming “FUCK YOU” “FUCK YOUR MOTHER” “DON’T FUCK WITH MY FAMILY” and of course, the all time classic “GOD BLESS THIS CITY” …which is irrelevent and ruins the mood.

Some wise guys decide to position themselves on an incomplete girder, so I shoot them in the foot and laugh at they stumble back to fall to a slow and painful death. There are also some smart guys on a tilted roof, who have no problem standing up on the slippery surface but as soon as you shoot near them, they slide to thier demise. Also funny. 

Although the script is dire (excluding on the radio, where a judge sets fire to people) the voice acting is good, and the story is impeccable, full of twists. 

And the new patch somehow means I can crank up the graphics some more, without there being any lag. Superb

Meanwhile, I have man flu. It may just be a runny nose and slightly sore throat, but it’s MAN FLU DAMNIT.

Purple Shirted Eye Stabber is real!

HUNTSVILLE, TX ― A Grayson County man sentenced to die for killing his wife, her daughter and their son, gouged out his other eye in prison last month.

According to the warden at the state prison in Huntsville, death row inmate Andre Thomas gouged out his left eye in early December and then ate it.

Five days after the murders in March 2004, Thomas gouged out his right eye inside a Grayson County jail cell after reading a Bible verse.

The state’s top Criminal Appeals Court upheld Thomas’ conviction and death sentence back in October of 2008.

Thomas is now in a psychiatric prison facility in Richmond, Texas.

No execution date has been set.

AWESOME! That’s all I have to say on the matter, it’s so gorily, sick, yet fantastic. Imagine when the warden found him. “AAAaaah. You funny guy!”

Mass Effect/GTA IV/Wha, Non-video games?!

For some strange reason this morning, my computer decided to fail to start, and I had to do a system recovery. Despite it promising it won’t affect any of my files, all my Mass Effect files were corrupted and I had to start again

Things aren’t all bad, I made my character look less like Hillary Clinton…..And more like Sarah Palin. 

Just kidding, my character looks almost the same, but with different colour hair, and a different mouth which may not sound like much, but it avoids the trap of looking like a failed despot I’ve fixed GTA IV and patched it, so now I am free to play multiplayer however, today, the 6th of January…

Is my Birthday Now that’s out of the way, I can go back to playing GTA IV.